TUESDAY'S "THAT SUCKS" STORIES
THAT SUCKS: FIVE INJURED AFTER HOT AIR BALLOON HITS POWER LINES
Five people were injured after a hot air balloon knocked into electrical wires, caught fire and landed in a residential area in eastern Massachusetts Saturday night. The incident happened at around 7:40 p.m. local time in Clinton, approximately 45 miles west of Boston. One witness told MyFoxBoston that before the balloon hit the power lines, people had gathered to watch, waving at the occupants inside and smiling. Then, the balloon tried to climb over the power lines, but hit the lines instead and caught fire. "We saw sparks," one witness told the station. "We thought the worst." The balloon landed in the yard of a home, where it could be seen sitting upright Saturday night. Power outages were reported in the area surrounding the crash after the incident. National Grid reported that roughly 600 customers lost power in the area, though all had their power restored by Sunday morning. The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating the crash. There was no immediate word on the victims' conditions Sunday.
THAT SUCKS: MAN GOES TO E.R. AFTER SUPERGLUING HAND TO PENIS
Dr. Matthew Valente has seen his share of sticky situations in his years as a Chicago-based emergency room physicians, but none were as weird as the man who superglued his hand to his penis. "The night before, [the patient' was fixing his lamp next to his bed and he left the superglue tube on the nightstand," Valente explained on an episode of "Sex Sent Me To The E.R." airing Saturday on TLC. The glue tube just happened to be next to a tube of lubrication he kept on hand for when he and his wife were in the mood for love. Some time in the middle of the night, the unidentified male and his wife decided to have sex and he reached for what he thought was the lubricant. "Only he went a little too fast, and -- voila! -- his hand became stuck to his penis," Valente said. It was a sight to behold, according to the good doctor. "This was a large amount of skin that was affixed together," Valente said. "There wasn't just a small amount of glue. It wasn't just one finger. It was, in fact, his entire palm and all his fingers, which were tightly affixed to his genitals."
THAT SUCKS: WOMAN FOUND STUCK BUT OK IN PARK'S QUICKSAND
A 78-year-old woman who was reported missing after she failed to show up to an event at a nearby library was found stuck in quicksand, authorities said. Grand County sheriff's deputies said the woman had water and was in good condition when she was found the night of July 9, about 14 hours after one of her legs sank up to the knee. Deputies said they searched a bike path at the Courthouse Wash in Arches National Park, where the woman was known to walk. Investigators found her car in a parking area first, then heard her calling out to them and discovered her about a quarter mile up the wash. Sharon Brussell, who works at Arches, said about four people helped dig her out and struggled because the quicksand kept filling back in. The woman was tired but "extremely grateful" for rescuers, who carried her up to her car in a litter, Brussell said. It's rare to get stuck in quicksand, but it can happen when sandy areas become saturated with water, said Brussell, who recalled a similar rescue involving a stuck cow.
THAT SUCKS: ELDERLY WOMAN DIES AFTER FALLING OUT OF WHEELCHAIR
A pensioner fell out of her wheelchair and died after her friend who was pushing her tried to photograph some ducklings with her iPad, an inquest heard. Jean Sloan, 81, was being pushed by Jane Miller when they stopped to watch a duck and ducklings near a pond. She asked her friend to photograph the birds and Mrs Miller let go of the wheelchair as she reached for her iPad to take a photo. Norfolk coroner Jacqueline Lake said: 'As she did so the chair moved forward. She did go to grab it, but then Mrs Sloan then fell out of the chair.' Mrs Miller ran for help after Mrs Sloan fell near the Walcot Hall nursing home where she lived in Diss, Norfolk. Paramedics were called, but the pensioner, who had been in a wheelchair since having a stroke last August, died at the scene
THAT SUCKS: MAN ADMITS MORTGAGING HOME TO PAY FOR PENIS-LENGTHENING SURGERY
There's a guy in Australia who's only been identified as Mike . . . and Mike most definitely has his priorities in order. Mike is unfortunately cursed with a MICROPENIS . . . that means he's less than 2.75 inches when he's fully engorged. He says it's affected his confidence and held him back his entire life. So . . . he mortgaged his HOUSE to pay for an enlargement. He spent $42,000 on the surgery . . . but it didn't work. Well, it worked temporarily, but eventually his junk receded back to its original size. And here's even worse news . . . he didn't get the chance to give it a test drive with a woman before that happened. So now he's going to spend another $17,000 on more work . . . and might even have to take out a second mortgage to get $47,000 for another more SERIOUS surgery. Mike says he's gone public about his quest because he wants other men with micropenises to know there's hope. Quote, "Hang in there. If you need to seek therapy or surgery, the options are there."
THAT SUCKS: MAN LOSES RELATIVES' ASHES WHEN CAR IS TOWED
A Wisconsin man has lost his father's and grandfather's ashes when the car where they were stored was towed and destroyed. Wausaupolice say everything in Shawn Leslie's 1994 Mercury Cougar was tossed before the towing company crushed it. Leslie says he thought the car was safe when he parked it in a lot behind a Wausau diner. He says the lot's owner gave him permission to park while he was out of town driving a truck for a living. But the lot's manager, Ray Burris, says the owner never gave Leslie permission, and he called the police after the vehicle sat for more than six months. Then he had it towed. A person who answered the phone at the towing company declined to comment Friday. Tom Howells of the Wisconsin Towing Association says owners should be notified before cars are destroyed.
THAT SUCKS: AN 83-YR-OLD MAN IS MASSACHUSETTS DIED WHEN HE WAS BURNING LEAVES AND HIS KILT CAUGHT ON FIRE
I wish there was a more universally-relevant life lesson from this poor man's death last week. But there isn't, so we've just got to go with the lesson it DOES teach. And that is: Don't set dangerous fires while you're wearing a kilt. --Last Thursday, 83-year-old Arthur Ciampa of Beverly, Massachusetts was in his yard, burning leaves, while in his KILT. The fire from the leaves ignited his kilt, engulfed him, and covered 70% of his body in burns. He died on Monday.