HEADLINE HOOSHE: STORY OF THE WEEK
MONDAY'S HEADLINE HOOSHE: 3rd place
Carl neglected to put the pickup into park, police said, and the truck started rolling after the other driver became frightened and drove away. Police said Carl tried to stop the truck with his arms, but it ran him over. Officers said Carl was stumbling and smelled strongly of alcohol when they arrived, and they said he admitted to drinking three beers.But police said they found numerous empty beer cans inside the pickup, along with an open 16-ounce Miller High Life that was still cool. Carl claimed he did not drink and drive, but he amended his claim after police found the beer and said he was only drinking during his drive home from Live Oak, about 50 miles away. Officers arrested Carl on drunken driving and property damage charges and took him to a nearby hospital for treatment for a broken foot and hand. A blood test at the hospital revealed his blood-alcohol content was 0.22, nearly three times the legal limit for Florida.
TUESDAY'S HEADLINE HOOSHE: 2nd place
An Oklahoma woman wasn't satisfied with the purity of her methamphetamine, so she decided to do something about it. Unfortunately for Lynette Rae Sampson, the course of action she chose ended up leaving her with felony drug charges. The 54-year-old allegedly called police because she thought her "ice" was laced with something. When an officer arrived to check it out, Sampson reportedly said, "I'm glad you came." During the course of their interaction, Sampson allegedly showed the officer multiple areas where she had meth stashed. She also admitted to using the drug and was "hearing things and sweating profusely." The officer arrested Sampson and brought her to the County jail. "Once you think you've seen it all, something new will surprise you. It's sad people who utilize these drugs don't realize how it affects them, and what they can do to you," Enid Police Capt. Jack Morris told the Enid News & Eagle. Sampson is facing a felony count of possession of methamphetamine and a misdemeanor count of unlawful possession of drug paraphernalia. She could be sentenced to up to 10 years in jail if convicted.
WEDNESDAY'S HEADLINE HOOSHE: **WINNER**
A Craftsman lawnmower got a Colorado man in hot water last week. Concerned citizens in Garden City called the cops on 53-year-old Kenneth Welton on Tuesday after he was spotted motoring the wrong way down a busy street at around 10pm on a riding mower, reportedly after visiting at least one local watering hole. Arresting officers say that even though Welton declined to take a sobriety test, he was slurring his speech, had bloodshot eyes, and reeked of liquor. Welton—who already has a revoked driver’s license and other DUIs under his belt, according to 9News—insists he was simply cutting weeds (in the middle of 8th Avenue?) and that he had gone to get a drink or two only after his nephew’s lawnmower broke down mid-task. "I’ve been working, I have been mowing," he told a reporter from a local jailhouse. "I haven’t been barhopping." Weld County law enforcement isn’t chuckling; Welton has been charged with a misdemeanor DUI. (This isn’t as weird as the guy who got busted for DUI on a motorized beer cooler—but pretty close.)
THURSDAY'S HEADLINE HOOSHE: 4th place
And that's how the cookie crumbles. Porcha Gross, 21, was arrested because she allegedly had a crack "cookie" in her vagina, the Northwest Florida Daily News reported. A sheriff's deputy in Okaloosa County, Fla. pulled over the Evergreen, Ala. resident for allegedly faulty tag lights on March 9. The deputy says he spotted a marijuana blunt on the floor and took Gross into custody. Female jail employees conducted a cavity search and say they discovered pieces of a crack cocaine "cookie" hidden in Gross's genitals. A "cookie" is crack cocaine that has been formed into a round disc, typically around 3 inches across, according to the National Drug Intelligence Center. A "cookie" can usually sell for between $900 and $1,000. Gross is facing multiple drug charges and her court date is April 9. She isn't the first lady to allegedly use her body's nooks and crannies for illicit purposes.