FRIDAY'S FAIL STORIES!
A GUY TRIES TO SHOPLIFT CLOTHES WITH A BOX CUTTER...BUT CUTS HIMSELF AND ALMOST BLEEDS OUT
Being a career criminal comes with some obvious occupational hazards. This isn't one of them. On Saturday, 31-year-old John Kanaris went to a Sears store in Port Richey, Florida. And he brought along a box cutter to cut off price tags so he could steal stuff. But at some point he accidentally cut HIMSELF, and went to the bathroom to stop the bleeding. But he failed at that too, because shortly after, a security guard found him PASSED OUT . . . apparently from losing too much blood. He pulled through, but police found all the stuff he stole shoved in his pockets . . . plus a Xanax pill and some pot. He's now facing charges for possession of a controlled substance, possession of marijuana, and petty theft.
FAIL! A 19-YR-OLD SUPERSTTOUSLY HELD HIS BREATH DRIVING THROUGH A TUNNEL...THEN PASSED OUT AND CAUSED AN ACCIDENT
You know that superstition where people hold their breath while they're driving through a tunnel? It almost got a bunch of people KILLED this weekend. 19-year-old Daniel Calhon of Snohomish, Washington clearly follows that superstition. He was driving his 1990 Toyota Camry on Sunday afternoon through Manning, Oregon when he went through a tunnel. And he held his breath. Unfortunately, he REALLY committed to the superstition . . . and ended up PASSING OUT. He drifted into the next lane, crashed head-on into a Ford Explorer, then got hit by a GMC pickup. Daniel was hospitalized, along with a 19-year-old friend he had in the car, the 67-year-old driving the Ford Explorer, and his 61-year-old passenger. The people in the pickup weren't injured. The only person still in the hospital is Daniel's friend, who's listed in serious condition. Daniel has been charged with reckless driving, reckless endangerment, and assault.
FAIL! FRANCE'S $68 MILLION MISTAKE: NEW TRAINS TOO WIDE FOR PLATFORMS
France's state-run railway service ordered 341 new trains before engineers discovered the fleet was too wide for many stations. Nearly 1,300 out of the country's 8,700 railway platforms are a few inches too narrow for the new trains. The cost of widening these stations: $68 million. The trains were to be introduced between now and 2016. Jacques Rapoport, president of rail network owner Réseau Ferré de France, acknowledged the problem was "discovered a little late." "It's as if you bought a Ferrari and when you come to park it in your garage you realize your garage isn't exactly the right size for a Ferrari because you didn't have a Ferrari before," Rapoport said.
FAIL! A GUY TRIES TO ROB A LAUNDROMAT THREE TIMES IN ONE HOUR...AND FAILS ALL THREE TIMES
You've got to admire this guy's persistence. He's clearly a mediocre criminal, but he's got so much GRIT and DETERMINATION. A man in his 50s or 60s walked into a 24-hour laundromat in Wichita, Kansas around 4:00 A.M. on Sunday, and handed an employee a note that said, "This is a robbery." But the employee said he had a GUN under the counter, so the robber left. Then he came back 15 minutes later . . . and told the employee HE had a gun too. But the employee refused to back down or give him any money again . . . so the robber left AGAIN. Ten minutes later, he came BACK . . . poured himself a cup of the laundromat's free coffee, and went back to the counter. And as he grabbed the robbery note he'd left the first time, the employee finally called 911. The robber took off AGAIN, for his third failed robbery in under an hour . . . but this time, he didn't come back. The cops are still looking for him.
FAIL! TWO CELL PHONE THIEVES ARE BUSTED WHEN THEY ACCIDENTALLY SEND A SELFIE TO THE VICTIM'S MOM
There's something SO satisfying about criminals getting busted because they can't resist taking a SELFIE. Vanity and pride before the fall, you know? 18-year-old Fehti Nekrouf and 16-year-old Khayyam Alexander of Brooklyn, New York stole a 14-year-old boy's cell phone at a concert in Manhattan last month. Then they took a selfie with it on the subway that night. And somehow . . . they accidentally sent the selfie to the 14-year-old's MOM. And she forwarded it on to the cops. It took them a few weeks, but last Friday, they released the photo to the media to see if anyone recognized the thieves. Khayyam . . . the 16-year-old . . . recognized HIMSELF, and turned himself in on Saturday. The cops arrested Fehti a few hours later. They've both been charged with petit larceny and criminal possession of stolen property.
FAIL! TEENS GET STUCK INSIDE HOUSE AFTER ROBBERY
A couple of teens broke into a housein Ohio, but te homeowner put those baby-spin handles on all the doorknobs to keep their three-yr-old grandson inside. The teenagers couldn't figure out how to get out of the house and were trapped. Cops showed up and tookd the two dummies to Fail Jail. FAIL!
FAIL! DUNKIN DONUTS EMPLOYEE ROBS STORE...TWICE
On May 18th, a guy wearing a mask robbed a Dunkin' Donuts at knifepoint in Louisville, Kentucky. And because of the mask, the employees weren't able to give much of a description to police. But then on Saturday, the place got held up again by the SAME GUY. And for some reason he skipped the whole disguise thing this time. And it was even dumber than it sounds, because it turns out he's a 36-year-old named Luke Payne. And every one of the employees was able to I.D. him . . . because he WORKED THERE, and was robbing his own Dunkin' Donuts store. Police arrested him on Sunday. He's charged with two counts of first-degree robbery, and also had an outstanding warrant.
FAIL! A MAN ROBS A HOUSE...WITH HIS GPS ANKLE BRACELET STILL ON
The only way to explain this crime is that this guy must be ADDICTED to burglaries. We can't think of ANY other reason why he'd do something so clearly stupid. 27-year-old Tommy Ray Morgan of Duluth, Minnesota broke into a woman's house earlier this month, smashed a vase over her head, then stole her credit cards, cell phone, and jewelry. And the cops caught him . . . because he had on his GPS ANKLE BRACELET. He had the ankle monitor because he'd robbed a Subway last month. The police caught him that time because he'd left footprints in the fresh snow outside the store, and they followed the footprints to his place. So he was already facing charges for aggravated robbery, and now he's facing new charges of assault, aggravated robbery, and burglary.
FAIL! A MAN TRIES TO ROB A BANK USING A STICK
This would've been a good weapon for a bank robbery about 400 years ago.33-year-old Andrew Murray of Memphis, Tennessee went into a bank in Neptune Beach, Florida on Friday afternoon and tried to rob the place using . . . a STICK. And it sort of worked. He demanded $5,000 . . . and the teller gave him $124. He ran off . . . but none of the customers were exactly intimidated by a guy with a stick and quickly called the cops. They caught Andrew riding his bike away from the scene a few minutes later. He was charged with armed robbery and resisting arrest.
FAIL! A WOMAN WAS HOSPITALIZED BECAUSE SHE GOT A HANDCUFF KEY STUCK IN HER UTERUS DURING ROLE PLAYING
A couple identified as Jason and Michelle from Van Nuys, California decided to try out some ROLE PLAYING recently . . . and it went VERY wrong. Michelle played a beautiful princess, and Jason was a fire breathing dragon. And apparently, he was a dragon with access to HANDCUFFS . . . part of the fantasy included him cuffing her. And then . . . he put the keys to the cuffs in her LADY PARTS. That's when things went wrong . . . the keys wound up getting TANGLED with her IUD and LODGED IN HER UTERUS. They had to go to the emergency room, where doctors WERE able to get the keys out and she was okay.