Another F***ing List

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Skinny jeans
First, this is a trend for girls. And not all girls, just certain tall, leggy, lanky, fat-less girls. So when you wear skinny jeans, you are not only dressing like a girl, you are dressing like a girl dressing unflatteringly. Why would you want to get into this mess? Men in skinny jeans look like they are wearing Spidey tights. They also look like their legs have been poured into denim sausage casings. A third thing they look like is a toddler waddling around. None of these things is manly. Neither is the fact that you are crushing your balls into oblivion.

Bowler hat
This piece of apparel screams I AM SELF-CONSCIOUSLY WHIMSICAL! I AM A POET OF LIFE! PERHAPS I PLAY THE PAN FLUTE! When you are sporting this item, I am acutely aware that you are trying to tell me things about the state of your soul. Please do not communicate with me via your hat.

Carrying a comb on your person
This is crazy and alarming. I know it worked for Danny Zuko and The Fonz, but these guys are not only from the olden times, they are also fictional. If you have a haircut/style that requires touch-ups throughout the day with a grooming implement of any kind, it might be time to rethink your fancy schmantzy hair situation.

Loafers of any sort
If you fall into one of the following categories, loafers may well be an appropriate choice of footwear for you: you are a nightclub owner in Miami Beach, you are a professor in New England, you are elderly and need a slip-on shoe, you are a chauffeur required to wear “driving shoes” as part of your company-issued uniform, you are Hugh Hefner. Otherwise, please back away from the loafers. This is not an appropriate shoe for young, vital, heterosexual men. True story: Several years ago I went on a perfectly pleasant date with a guy named Stephen who wore these really expensive-looking pebbled leather loafers (he was from another country so I didn’t question it). Years later I learned he was a date rapist. So.

A person who is chewing gum is pretty hard to like. In fact I’d estimate that gum-chewing makes a person instantly 50-60 percent more hate-able. (Ever seen the Two A-holes on SNL?) Let’s agree to leave the world’s finite gum supply entirely to children, baseball players and people trying to quit smoking.

A pet other than a dog
A charming, warbling bird perched on your shoulder! A cuddly little ferret trailing you on a leash! Jesus.

Those ‘toe’ shoes
No! Seriously! These are scary! I get a very unpleasant shivery feeling whenever I see these. If you truly must wear these appalling feet-gloves, can they please just be for padding around your house in private? Because when you go about town in them, you are not only giving many innocent civilians a creepy, icked-out feeling, you are also coming across as one of those people who is weirdly infatuated with foot health. I am obsessed with giving footrubs! For metatarsal health! I love insoles! Toe boxes! Arches! Insteps! Phalanges! Bones! Yeah BONES!

This is a girl car.

Ed Hardy tees
Maybe I’m missing something here, but I‘m puzzled by the man who chooses these expensive, ostensibly-for-young-girls T-shirts as the expression of his personal style. What, exactly, is he trying to say via the sparkles, hearts, mythical creatures, sunbursts, giant flowers and snakes sliding down rainbows on his torso? Someday I hope to get to the bottom of this – though I humbly accept that I may never understand it and will just have to come to some kind of peace with this mysterious, profoundly baffling fact of our universe.

This refers to a scenario in which your cap, T-shirt or bag advertises which super amazing cause you just biked cross-country to raise money for. Obviously you are a good, thoughtful human being. And this is a great thing; the world needs more people like you. But immediately — subconsciously – my defensiveness kicks in and my thought process goes: 1) This is a good person. 2) He seems like a better person than me. 3) Smug-ass bitch.



From here are some tips

Social Media to Break the Ice

If you think you can "like" and RT your way to a woman's heart, fire a staple gun into your foot right now. Thumbs up-ing "Natalie is now listed as single" is akin to hollering at a girl from the passenger side window of a moving car. It's an effortless way to devalue yourself publicly and an invitation to have your ass beat by Natalie's love scorned ex. If this shit works, then congratulations you and your new squeeze have the most pathetic "How did you two meet?" story ever. If it doesn't work (and it won't), this lazy gesture will repel every girl in your network.

Gringing is not a good way  to Break the Ice

Don't be that guy who pelvic thrusts his way through a Selena Gomez joint, aggressively cutting the distance between your crotch and unguarded booties on the dance floor. This might be the most popular and, simultaneously, least successful ploy for a woman's attention ever. Like, a girl won't even see you coming, she'll just feel you breathing on the back of her neck and turn around to see a sweaty clown humping the air like a Pomeranian in heat. Are you trying to get slapped, Blake? Do you want a Vodka Cranberry dumped on your wrinkled American Eagle button-up?

Honestly, just learn to Dougie or some shit. If you can move with a little rhythm, you can draw the ladies' ire organically. Don't force your presence on the club with indiscriminate, unwanted propulsions. Instead, pick up a few swing dance moves and watch the phone numbers pile up. 

Drunk texting

We've all had those moments of vulnerability, typically after three too many Lime-a-Ritas, where we breakdown and text Jagged Edge lyrics to a sweetie we've been tirelessly poking on Facebook. Even the best fall down sometimes, but keep that fuckery to a minimum. If you mass text "Heyy ma, what r u up 2?" to every girl in your iPhone at 12:30 a.m., you'll wake up the next morning afternoon with zero prospects. You're not sneaky or unassuming, girls absolutely know what you're up to and, yes, they talk about it amongst themselves. Developing a reputation for this kind of technology-based thirst is the playboy equivalent of shooting yourself in the crank, and that anatomical substitution was totally intentional.

Be Realistic

The prevailing subtext of every dating book is that beautiful women are surpassingly obtainable, so long as you get over the intimidation that keeps you from approaching them. That's maybe the dumbest advice ever. You think that hot girls endure 20 hours a week worth of Pilates to land some dude that works the counter at Sbarro? FOH. Those girls are holding out for a painkiller-addicted divorce attorney who pushes a certified pre-owned Lexus. If all you can offer is an employee discount on spinach and cheese Stromboli at the mall food court, you're going to get crushed by the competition. It's douche eat douche out there.

Our advice: let the class divide that so mercilessly imposes itself on the dating scene motivate you. Start kicking ass at your job and make morning trips to the squat rack. Once you have a chiseled jawline and "assistant manager" in your job title, life will get a little easier. 

Be aware of your surroundings

There are certain environments that cripple your game, so you'd be wise to ease off in particular situations. As a general rule, girls at the gym are not interested in a free power clean lesson from some doofus in a form-fitting Under Armour ensemble. The subway is another naturally threatening place, so maybe don't close talk a chick about last night's America's Got Talent during your morning work commute. Attempting to squash your permeating stench of a loser by bum rushing every girl you come across is a bad look. Thirst begets thirst and you’re about to die of dehydration.

Boring ass compliments get you nowhere

When a girl's taking 13 selfies a day, you don't need to tell her she's hot. She knows and, in case she's forgotten, you're the 59th tool to remind her today. The overarching problem is that you're a stranger and by telling boo that she's "the most gorgeous girl on Earth," you've pigeonholed yourself as another one of those dudes. Your name is on an expansive list of faceless males that will never copulate, ever. We don't know if she'll smile or ignore you, but we do know that she's reserved a plot for you in the jackass guy graveyard. R.I.P.

Don't talk too much about yourself

Rattling off every attractive detail of your charmed life will make you look like an overcompensating dickhead. By contrast, drilling a girl with a full clip of questions will make her feel like she's at an interview for a job that she doesn't even want. This might sound totally uninspired, but just have a real ass conversation like an adult. Find out what she's interested in, share a bit about yourself, and see if you two have that Ice-T and Coco chemistry. 

Don't rely on booze

If you rely on the artificial confidence derived from chasing Fireball shots with rails of coke, you probably have a lower batting average than Adam Dunn. You're not going to blind a woman to your personality's shortcomings if your breath smells like Smirnoff Watermelon Twist and Chipotle. It's impossible. Peeing in a urinal straight becomes an Ironman-like challenge when you're wasted; so don't even think about spittin’ game. Girls are looking for the type of guy they can have a kid with, not a goofball who gracelessly thrashes about the dance floor to "Blurred Lines" before giving every sweetie in the club a slurred rundown of their CrossFit workout. Sip with caution, Romeo.

Avoid Employees

Women who are paid to look hot get hit on all the time, so don't roll up on a restaurant hostess with your non-iron Trump Collection shirt and expect anything to pop off. You might be relaxed whilst rolling on molly at Club Enveee, but the chick carrying the sparkler-adorned bottle of Grey Goose is at the office. Remember that. If the Taco Bell x KFC hybrid you work at blasted dubstep remixes of Ellie Goulding songs all night long, you'd be easily irritated too. Do yourself (and these women) a favor and let them live. Quite frankly, a distant self-assuredness is your only move anyway. In a club full of cologne soaked tools, your ability to remain respectful will appear all the more endearing. 


Here's what you should do: Believe in yourself!

If what you've been doing has been working, then keep doing it.

If not, then maybe something new? Experiment!

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